Co-Parenting & Communication
Boundary Scripts for Hard Conversations
Words that hold the line with warmth
A boundary is not a wall and it is not a fight. It is a clear, calm statement of what you will do, not a demand for what others must do. You only ever have to govern your own actions.
Repeat the same calm sentence until it becomes boring. Boring is what safety feels like.
DEAR MAN: a tested structure
A skill from dialectical behavior therapy for asking for what you need.
D · Describe
State the facts of the situation, with no judgment.
E · Express
Say how you feel or what you need, in “I” language.
A · Assert
Ask clearly for what you want, or say a clear no.
R · Reinforce
Say what is good for everyone if it is respected.
M · Mindful
Stay on your point. Repeat it. Do not take bait.
A · Appear confident
Steady voice, steady posture, no over-apologizing.
N · Negotiate
Stay open to a middle path on logistics, never on safety.
Five scripts
- 1
The late-night call
“My phone is off after 9. If it is an emergency, call twice and I will pick up.”
- 2
The unwanted advice
“I appreciate that you care. This one is decided.”
- 3
The plans made for you
“I cannot commit to that. Please do not plan around me.”
2 more in the free printable guide.
Holding steady
Expect a test
The first few rounds of a new boundary are often tested. That is not failure; it is the boundary doing its job.
Calm is not suppression
Naming a feeling and choosing your response works better than pushing the feeling down.
Lead by example
Children learn emotional regulation by watching the adults around them manage theirs.
Get the printable guide
The full guide as a printable PDF, with every fact numbered and a “Where this comes from” page linking to the original sources. Free with an account.
Want help in the moment instead? Draft a calm reply with Safe Reply, free
Where this comes from
Written by The Steady Parent. The DEAR MAN structure is Marsha Linehan’s published skill; the scripts are our own original wording, not quotations.
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. (Interpersonal effectiveness: the DEAR MAN skill.)
- Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281–291.
- Rincón, F., & Livengood, Z. (2026). Leading with Calm: Emotional Regulation for a Trauma-Responsive Court. National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, with ZERO TO THREE.